Letting Go

This has been a theme for me since Wednesday night.  My Heavenly Father is asking me to let go of hopes and desires, and I want to but cannot.  I want to let go.  I want to leave it in His Control and not worry and obsess over it.  But I cannot.  I try--I really do.  But as much as I want to open up my fists, my fingers will not move.  They continue to choke the dreams I have, and slowly this management style of my life is killing me.



I do not know what possessed me to do it, but I started rereading the blog by Bryan and Kathryn Apinis.  I cried as I read the story of their son, Samuel Erik's, life.  The ups and downs of living in the NICU for a month.  Holding their son in their arms as God called him home to Heaven.  The overwhelming grief they are experiencing.  I remember my own grief so well.  I know that it will get better for them, because it got better for me.  Their faith in God encourages me as I am grieving the loss of a relationship and the reality that my hope is still deferred.

I am transferring my hope from a thing--marriage and a family--to a person, my Heavenly Father.  He wants the best for me.  He does not want me to be content with "okay" or "good enough."  He wants me to want the best, too.  Just as God is Faithful for Bryan and Kathryn in their pain, He is with me in mine.  I can feel Him grieving sometimes when I am crying and distraught and do not know what else to do.  I can feel Him when I cry out that this pain is overwhelming.

Reading for small group today, and the theme in the lesson is taking risks.  God is asking me to risk my future and my plans on Him.  In many areas, not just regarding marriage.  But that is definitely on His list of things to hand over.  I am slowly becoming broken.  It is painful--very painful.  It is hard to see others happy sometimes and to know that I am not there today.  But I know deep in my spirit that these growing pains are necessary.  Nothing worth having comes easy.  I am slowly embracing the motto, Live like no one else, so that you can live like no one else.

Thank you, Bryan and Kathryn for sharing your journey.

The Waiting Room

I feel like I am waiting for something.

Something for which I have been waiting a long time.

It is not coming anytime soon.

But I continue expecting it every day, like a dog waits by the door for his owner to return home.  I tell myself every morning that it is not changing, and to quit hoping.  But I cannot stop myself from hoping for something different.